Healthy communication in a relationship is important to creating intimacy – to creating a connection. It is how we come to understand and affirm each other. At our core, we all want to be seen heard and understood – when we have that from our partner, we feel loved. Communication in relationships is essential to having a happy, healthy partnership.
How can we improve the way we communicate to create that intimacy?
We can begin by recognizing some blocks to creating an intimate connection. Two come to mind; the first is misinterpreting our partner’s non-verbal communication cues and the second is not effectively communicating our needs.
Challenges arise when we misinterpret each other’s cues. I love using Gary Chapman’s book, 5 Love Languages, as a great demonstration of this; in his book he outlines five ways to communicate and experience love between romantic partners:
- Words of affirmation – the words we use to build each other up and show appreciation
- Gifts – that shows that he/she was thinking of you
- Acts of service – doing something for your spouse that you know they would like – fixing something around the house, cooking a special dinner, or cleaning up after dinner.
- Quality time – giving each other undivided attention – that can look like sitting on the couch together talking with the TV off or going for a walk together
- Physical Touch – holding hands, kissing and sex are all forms of physical intimacy
We don’t have to have the same love language as our partner to be in a healthy relationship – it is a wonderful tool toward understanding each other. We tend to give love the way we wish to receive love and sometimes that can feel like a miss. For example, one couple that I worked with were going in circles arguing over a seemingly small event – she was disappointed with her Christmas present; she had hoped for a beautiful piece of jewelry and her husband bought tickets to a show they both wanted to see. He was frustrated and accused her of being materialistic and she accused him of getting her a gift that was really for himself – and round and round it went. What she did not see was that he was expressing love by planning quality time together. What he did not see was that receiving a gift from him that she could hold and keep was how she experienced love. Once they understood that, they were able to see and understand each other differently. Rest assured they have celebrated many happy holidays since then.
Another example comes to mind; A client reported that his partner complained of the lack of physical intimacy in their relationship. He on the other hand reported feeling exhausted after a long workday. Once he was able to see it from a new perspective – as a request from his partner to feel loved because his partner’s love language was physical touch, a new awareness led to a different conversation between them and a healthy compromise was reached where both their needs were met without hurt and resentment.
Conflicts arise in relationships – how couples communicate during a conflict goes a long way to building or eroding the bedrock of the relationship.
Here are a few tips to effective communication:
- Letting go of the words “You Always” and “You Never” in an argument.
This puts your partner on the defense and creates a circular argument that never addresses your initial concern. Instead, stick to the facts, be clear, and ask for what you need. For example, “I felt hurt and ignored when I asked you to help me straighten up and you didn’t. Next time it would mean a lot to me if you helped me.” - Focus on the problem – not the person.
There is no need to character assassinate or name call. Statements like, “you are just like your mother” or “you’re pathetic” will only shut your partner down. This is not a motivator and will only push your partner further away. - Validate and acknowledge.
Validate that you understand where your partner is coming from and acknowledge the experience before you ask for what you need. When someone feels understood they are more likely to try and understand you. Take a moment to really put yourself in your partner’s shoes. For example, “I know that you had a long day of work and you are exhausted and it would mean a lot to me if you helped me put the kids to bed and then settle down to relax.” - Practice Honesty with Integrity – In any relationship, honesty is only the best policy if it includes care. There is no need to share, even if asked, that you don’t like your spouse’s dinner when you know they worked hard at making the meal. Or, if they gained weight, they know. Be compassionate with your partner.
- Humor can go a long way – Don’t take every situation as a personal affront – know when to laugh at yourself and the situation.
Remember, both of you want to feel seen, heard, and understood. Give the care that you want to receive and the bedrock of your relationship will remain firm.
Mia Mor, LCSW, CEC, licensed psychotherapist and empowerment coach Transformationaltherapynyc.com